Yes, life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

I used to be the type of person which stands in behind. I walk with my friends. Go out with my friends. I go out on activities which my friends does. I was less recognised from the people walked with me, as if I was invisible. I used to depend on other people, that I never knew my own potential. It's not that I'm always dependent on others, but I'm less dominant when being with another person. Some people, have like, explosive energies while mine is limited that they seem to take over me. Maybe they have mercy on me which slowly turns down my self esteem and defeats my mentality. Besides, I thought that I would be clumsy to walk alone. It would be awkward to buy a cup of coffee and sit down on a coffee shop alone. Like seriously? watching a movie alone? I thought people who does things alone are such a pity.

As a human, we need the support of other people. It defines human as a social being. We can't deny the human nature of caring and sharing with others. After all, we share our livings. Complaining about life becomes something common when we interact with a close friend or family. They say, friends and family matters during hard times. A true friend won't let you face tough times alone. Even the best advice for people suffering mental illness is to express their feelings and to stay connected with either a counsellor or someone they trust the most.

This mindset unconsciously shaped us as a dependent community. Forgetting the fact that other people have their own difficulties and struggle too. Unless you give the same comfort source, they're not really into you. You can deny by saying you have supportive friends and your family always got your back 24/7. But the fact is, when life gets you drowning to the bottom sea, they might not see you. Even if they did, they're also helpless. Just like how we keep the remembrance about death. When it comes, not a single person could avoid or help postpone it. Moreover, the afterlife is all about you and your deeds. Only the good deeds could help you through. Not your friends or parents or anyone else, except you have good deeds towards them. However, I've got to agree that mental illness is an exception. Basically, it ain't just expressing emotions, but a person suffering mental illness needs guidance to make sense of their personal challenges and it's the basic skill of a psychologist to be able to listen to clients no matter what. But not all humans are psychologist (and all psychologists are basically human). For those suffering mental health problems I strongly suggest to meet the professionals. Otherwise, those given the grace of health, accept the truth but sad reality: we can only depend on ourselves.

Today, I'm off to another journey; finishing my thesis. I've always knew the concept that college is about your own decision. But I had supporting friends through my hardest times and they give me comfort also helped me through my decisions all the time. Unlike today, I'm unintentionally left out from the people I trust. Being the oldest undergraduate student batch at my campus, I need to have my own self regulation and time management regarding my thesis,  not to mention all my friends are battling the same opponents. Yet I still need to go to few classes all by myself. Normally, I walk down the campus like a bird flock. But today, I walked as a lion (and sometimes a turtle). There are times when I met my so-longed-to-be-seen-friend-let's-hangout but I've gotta reject it for my own sake. It might sound selfish, but it's the way to keep on track and trust yourself. At first it was hard to say no, slowly the contentment I felt for being on track becomes reinforcement. It's a battle between me and myself. Not to regret, but I'm grateful to encounter it at first. I was more visible to the people around me and I get to interact with them directly without being blocked from someone else. Thanks to the ups and down I've experienced last year, forcing me to be able to confront many situations on my own and lead myself.

When my friends let me down, I thought of 'coming back home'. Turning back to my family, most likely my beloved parents. I feel like its the proper place to receive unconditional love and that at least they've got a solution for my problems. But I've come to the age where I can have my own logical thoughts which is sometimes contrary to theirs. Ironically, some inconveniences comes from home. At the end of the day, I can't rely on my parents forever, despite how strong our bond or how they are entirely reliable. So, when my family lets me down? The only one who can truly satisfy the human heart is the One who made it.

The biggest fear of my college was the thought of how other people will judge me. But, fulfilling human's standard will never be enough. Human will always find the weakness to discredit. Its true that becoming good because of Allah or doing good to seek Allah's blessing is simple and enough. I tried to abandon my bad old small habits, like hanging out for nothing, talk behind people's back, etc in order to become good for only Allah. Since then, I've found inner peace and contentment the moment I could trust myself and believe in Allah's path. There will be times when life gets you lonely. Seek help through Du'a and patience. And Allah is the cure to the wounded soul.  Try to overcome the temporary fears and rely on our dearest self and to Allah SWT for every guilt in life, because "whoever relies upon Allah - He is sufficient for him." (Quran 65:03).

P.S. From now on, there's a big opportunity you'll meet me down street wandering on my own. Just a matter of time till I find the right person to complete half of my deen. Amin, jangan?